On a getaway trip to Atlanta this weekend with three girlfriends, I realized something. There are quite a few things in life that I’m not very fond of. It was pretty comical actually. It all started with a billboard somewhere in the Middle of Nowhere, Georgia. It was a local political billboard–the guy campaigning for some office had the last name of Wamp. Now, this got a chuckle out of all of us, since we always say “wamp wamp waaaammmmppp” (in descending tones) when someone is being a Debbie Downer. It’s just funny. So, I started talking about names I don’t like.
Now–let me preface this by stating that there is no rational reason for my dislike, and I have absolutely nothing to back it up. I’m sure there are plenty of nice folks with these names. I’m just a complete idiot. So, I mentioned that I don’t like the name Kevin. Or Tyler. My friends laughed and said that someday, I was going to marry a guy named Kevin Tyler Wamp (although, we googled him, and he doesn’t seem to exist. Wamp wamp waaaammmppp…see how that’s used?!). Would serve me right! Anyway, that is how Kevin Tyler Wamp (or KTW for short) was born. The rest of the weekend, whenever I would mention that I thought something was ridiculous or didn’t like it, we attributed that thing to something KTW would absolutely love. Hilarity ensued, of course. So, I’ve compiled a list of things KTW would like or do, thus consisting of everything I don’t like–again, for no real reason. Here goes–meet Kevin Tyler Wamp:
Kevin Tyler Wamp likes to wear tube socks instead of ankle socks. He also wears white running shoes. He either has really thick “Bama bangs” (that swoosh of hair that is so popular with college guys) or wears hair gel. When going out, he unbuttons his dress shirts down to the middle of his chest and doesn’t wear an undershirt. KTW also wears a lot of cologne. Not aftershave–cologne.
Kevin Tyler Wamp drives a cheesy flashy sports car, like a Corvette or a Nissan Z. Or a Charger, Mustang, or anything else in that genre. Sometimes, though, he’ll switch to his massive truck with a loud engine and way too much chrome, where anyone with normal sized legs (read: not a giant) has to use a stepladder to climb into. Now, he doesn’t have a job that requires this truck, or even a hobby where he needs to haul things. Just has the truck. He often drives one of these vehicles to: Burger King, Taco Bell, Applebee’s or Fudruckers (are those even around anymore? Well if they aren’t, he goes to somewhere like Fudruckers. You know the place.). He loves Pepsi products and orders his steaks well-done. He likes to drink really fruity and/or frozen alcoholic beverages, with the exception of a Mojito.
Kevin Tyler Wamp will meet a girl, get her number, and from then on will only send text messages. Even for dates. He has apparently lost the ability to dial a number and speak into the phone. He likes sports, but only chooses his favorite teams by what is cool at the time. Did I mention that KTW wears sports jerseys? Well, he does. And he’s never been on a team.
Kevin Tyler Wamp loves to dress his kids (or nieces, nephews, etc) in jeans before they are a year old. He also buys ridiculously expensive sneakers (Nike, New Balance, Adidas) for the baby who is under the age of two. KTW takes his kids to all sporting events, no matter how late and past their bedtime, of course decked out in jerseys as well–no fault of the child obviously. He also takes the kids to fancy restaurants where of course they don’t like the food and they will more than likely throw a fit.
That’s about all I know of Kevin Tyler Wamp at this point. I know that someday I’m destined to meet him, and since opposites apparently attract, will fall madly in love with him. Ha! We’ll see…